It might be a gold bikini but this is not Princess Leia. Pretty sure this isn’t outer space either, more like Manhattan on a super rainy day. I don’t know what the back story is, but I have no clue what would possess a woman to be standing out in the rain, in a gold bikini, trying to hail a cab. There’s no beach around, no pool – what the hell is going on?! I guess since it’s NYC anything goes.

Sometimes bikinis fit, and sometimes they don’t. This is an example of the latter. Not only is it an unflattering shade of pale pink, but the suit is also unlined…which means it’s see-through…which means…AGH!

I’m not saying this woman shouldn’t be wearing a bikini. Women come in all shapes and sizes, but so do bikinis. Unfortunately, this woman decided to flaunt her assets in one that is definitely the wrong size. Maybe opt for one that has a lot more support on top and a little less string on the bottom. And definitely one in a different color.

It’s like a beer helmet but not.

I don’t know about the physics of fluids and I don’t know how you’ll get beer to flow upwards towards a tap but I’m sure the genius behind this contraption has it all figured out. Too bad he/she couldn’t put his/her braininess towards a more worldly cause like finding an alternative fuel source or discovering a cure for the common cold. No, this person instead aimed his/her sights lower. Much, much, much lower.

I’m aware that cross-dressing exists. I just didn’t know it extended to swimwear.

Here’s another example of the mankini. I think the suit might be a better look sans chest hair but that’s just my opinion. The cherry red is a good color on him as it brings out his pink undertones. He may want to consider a less diaper-like bottom though because all that fabric is just not a flattering look.

Bikinis, the two-piece swimwear that’s designed to cover breasts and private areas, are for women. I’m not sure if everyone knew that, so I thought I’d put it out there for the purposes of clarification. I’m not sure why a man would 1) get the idea to put on a bikini and 2) think it’s a good a idea and 3) think it’s a good idea to wear during a game of cricket. Actually, reason #3 would probably be to distract the opposing team, so I guess it’s a good tactic, but wearing next to nothing in a ball sport where balls go flying is, well, ballsy.

Understandably, not everyone has a bikini model body. We can’t all be super tall and super thin, but apparently we can get too thin like this woman here. If you’re not sure you’re too skinny, here’s a short list of questions you can ask yourself.

Can you clearly see all of the ribs in your rib cage?

Does your pelvis jut out over your thighs?

Do you sometimes wonder where your organs went as there is no way there’s any room left for them in your abnormally tiny torso?

Do you often wear sweaters and pants to keep you warm in even mild climates because you have no fat to keep you insulated?

Are you often mistaken for a mummy?

If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, it may be time for you to eat a sandwich.

Sometimes, things just don’t fit. And when this happens, we generally know. When your shoes are too small or your pants or too big or your bra is too tight, you just know. You’d think the same common sense would be applicable to the fit of a bikini, but from time to time, I am proven wrong.

Perhaps this woman just didn’t know her bikini bottom was too small for her. Maybe she thought showing off half her crack was a hot look. Who knows. Either way, it’s plain as day that this bottom is way too small to cover much of anything. I hope the top was the right size….

Three words that should never come together but unfortunately have are “beef”, “jerky” and “bikini”. Yes, these things are actually made out of real beef jerky and if that wasn’t enough, they have been bedazzled. It looks like the design is similar to that of a diaper with sides that you can adjust or perhaps are made out of elastic. From far away they could even pass as a pair of Hanky Pankys, but don’t be fooled. Can someone actually move comfortably in one of these? I don’t even want to think about the smell. The designers have made it clear that these bottoms are not for consumption, but I’m not sure if any nearby dogs will care. If anyone out there actually buys AND wear these, please share your tale.

Women around the world can now feel sexy AND safe at the beach. By donning this inflatable bikini, if you’re ever in distress while out in the water, just pump up the top and bottom and let the air float you to the top. Not sure how well it’ll actually stay on when inflated but at least you’ll feel safe. Better than wearing kids’ water wings, right? Or I guess you could just learn how to swim. There’s always that option.

As for the guys, sorry. For the time being, you’ll just  have to fend for yourselves.

Dogs have been roaming the earth for centuries.  They’ve lived in all kinds of tough environments like snowy tundras, dense forests and craggy mountains .  They know how to thrive to the wild, they’re equipped to hunt, track and evade.  And then humans came along, domesticated them and now we’re dressing them in clothes.  This is unacceptable.  I don’t get it.  I, for the life of me, cannot comprehend the desire to dress a pet in clothing.  Dogs don’t need the extra coverage, they already have plenty of fur.  If anything, they can wear a raincoat for the times when they have to be in a torrential downpour, but a bikini?!  Come on, you have got to be kidding me.  This is not cute.  This is not OK.  If you do this to your dog, people will look at you like you are crazy and they won’t be entirely wrong in their assumption.