A seashell bikini top, as a novelty items go, is fine. If you’re in Hawaii or some other tropical paradise and feel like being a tourist, go ahead and strap one on. My issue here is the bottom. If you’ve ever been barefoot on a beach full of seashells, you know that these things are not fun to walk on. So if you like that kind of discomfort near your nether regions, then by all means, go for it. While it’s a sexy look for a photo shoot, I wouldn’t recommend chasing after a Frisbee or going jet-skiing in one of these.

This just goes to show that you can make a bikini out of just about anything your heart desires. I have no idea what the inspiration was behind this poker chip bikini. Maybe the designer was feeling lucky, who knows. Either way I can’t imagine this suit has much function to it, if any. But I’d be willing to bet that, if worn in the water, the whole thing would slide off.

Long and leggy Uma Thurman has the height that most women would love to have. But I guess being tall has its drawbacks like super slouching. She may be hunched over for a reason and this just happens to be a really bad photo, but the slouchy posture is not lending her cleavage a good look. In fact, it looks like this tank top-like bikini top is about to leave her hanging. So word to the wise: Don’t slouch and sag.

It seems that Kate Moss is following in Sienna Miller’s footsteps. Both have been caught with their bottoms partway down as they climb out from the water. Perhaps crack flashing is the cool new thing to do. By the way, where is her bikini top? ?

It was only a matter of time. Big Boobs Heidi and her little strapless bikini to were bound to part ways. A little band of fabric is not going to keep you covered, especially if you’re splashing about bouncing around your silicone-filled tatas. Not very smart. Then again, this is the person who had a 10 plastic surgery procedures all in one go at the ripe old age of 23.

Oh Lady Gaga, what WON’T you wear?

Guess it comes as no surprise that after her debut in a meat dress that a meat bikini would follow. Obviously, this was a stunt for Vogue Japan but the thought of draping slabs of red meat all over yourself kind of grosses me out. After a while it’d smell, you’d be cold, you’d probably start to wonder what kinds of things are seeping into your skin.

Personally, I’d rather eat it, not wear it.

Here’s a tribute to the fans of old school Nintendo: the Geekini. This bikini top features strategically placed directional controls and A and B buttons, while the bottoms have Start and Select buttons. Perfect for the 80s gamer. Don’t expect to plug in the two piece just yet: this bikini is strictly for wearing. Although I’m sure at some point some gamer will turn this dream into a reality.

I’m not sure this qualifies as a bikini. Certainly, it covers the same areas as a bikini, but there’s no way this “suit” is going in the water.

What, exactly, was the plan here? Something kinky I bet but I just think it’s a total waste of food.

When I think of stuffing, I think of Thanksgiving and turkey dinners. When I think of bikini stuffing, something like this comes to mind. I’m not sure how wearing this bikini top on seemed like a good idea, but apparently Tara Reid didn’t care. With the amount of spillage going on here, it’s obvious this top is too small. I wonder what the bottoms looked like.

Here are some signs that your bikini top is too small:

1) You have sideboobs.

2) You have underboobs.

3) You have both sideboobs and underboobs.

If you’re still not sure, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, “does all this extra boob-spillage look normal?”  If you’re still uncertain, you should probably stay away from bikinis altogether.